I last posted in September with big plans for streamlining the blog, actually writing something for a change but then I got confused and distracted. Writing just didn’t seem to be high on my list of priorities, but some things have happened and I’ve got a new love and enthusiasm for it.
So firstly, I got two part time jobs, one in Meadowhall and the other at Sheffield University Student’s Union. They couldn’t be more different, but I’m working with lovely people at both, I have a relatively steady, but meagre, income and I’m feeling happy again. I’ve also been making some of the felt pictures, more on that in a later post, and trying to build myself a social life again after becoming a relative hermit from habit and poverty. As part of my self care, building my social life and getting out doing fun things more…
…let me introduce you to The Sparkle Dress:
The Sparkle Dress was something I saw online one day in September but couldn’t think of obtaining. I got a job and The Sparkle dress became something I gazed at as I walked past Simply Be on my way to work. The Sparkle Dress called to me because it had all the colours of my hair. The Sparkle Dress was something I couldn’t afford because I had to pay for other, less frivolous things, like rent and food and travel to work and Netflix.
I bought it on sale, no refunds because it was a bit broken (something I could easily stitch up. It made me so happy to get it and wear it to Christmas. At Christmas I got a ticket for Greg Davies’ show ‘You Magnificent Beast’ as a present – thanks Liz and Richard. I decided that the Sparkle Dress should not just be worn once, but should be worn out and where better to dress as a giant glitter ball from G.A.Y. than a show called ‘You Magnificent Beast’?
There are days,
There are days when your life clouds over
and the world gets so dark
that all at once you can’t tell night from day.
There are times
when your heart cries ‘this isn’t happening’
but the truth is cold and real
and I know this storm won’t go away
‘It’s her or me’ from Miss Saigon, by Boublil and Schonberg
I’ve been quiet on here for the last few months. I know some people have dropped by to see if anything has been written and I have tried to, but it’s been a difficult end to the year.
Not many people know, but I’ve been off sick from work for 2 and a bit months. Mental health issues are still quite taboo in our society and I don’t really understand why. It’s something that can affect anybody and yet still it’s not something we feel confident talking about. I have depression, which I think is something that I’ve been battling with for a decade and it’s dreadful. This bout has definitely been the worse of the lot. A stressful job, moving to a new area, not having much if a social life, various things that have happened in the past, lack of money all building together until I essentially cracked. I couldn’t get out of bed, I couldn’t go outside without having a panic attack and I couldn’t go to work. It’s such a difficult thing to describe. I get frustrated with myself because I can’t physically do things that I want or need to do. I can’t get out of bed. I can’t speak to people. I don’t have any outward physical manifestation of this, there is just this mental block, a cloud, a haze that won’t let me through. Then I spend time arguing with myself in my head – you know what you need to do, just get up, just get up, just move yourself, just stop wallowing in self pity and get up and do something. But it’s no good. There is some chemical imbalance at the moment. There is something just stopping me whether I want to or not. Ruby Wax says it better than me, so here she is:
I’ve managed to get myself a little bit sorted out now – I’ve bought a back pack, packed it, un-packed it a but, left everything on my bed in the vain hope that it will sort itself out. I’ve got a room in a Travelodge for the night before my flight, I’ve got Mum taking me to London in her Mystery Machine, ta Mum. I’ve even gone so far as to book a hostel for my first few nights in Bangkok. I know crazy, eh? And in 20 minutes I’ll be off for my hepatitis A booster.
Well now I’m obviously procrastinating because I’ve yet to get up, have shower, get dressed, but I have come up with something to do in the next two weeks – make myself a travel companion!
Sometimes, when I get bored or when I need a distraction to get my brain going, I take quizes on Jetpunk. Normally film, trivia or can you name all the states in America in 4 minutes. I sometimes can, mostly I forget Wisconsin or Oklahoma or Nebraska. Today I tried a new one and, quite frankly, I was rubbish at it. But it gave me an idea. Since I’m going to be 30 in 3 months less one day, I’m going to set myself a challenge. I’m going to try to complete the quiz in real life…
I’ve decided to write this because of something that has just popped up on Facebook. It’s very much going to be a stream of consciousness so let’s hope it works out.
I was scrolling through the news feed and spotted something written by one of my friends in Australia. (She’s from Britain but moved to Australia a number of years ago). I thought I’d mis-read it to start with and then re-read it, but no. It was actually a comment that said ‘dirty abos and their dirty children, I’m not racist but I bet if I spat on them they’d be cleaner… urgh disgusting specimins!!!’ Three people had ‘liked’ it.
I’m just going to let you sit with that, as I did for a little while.
I thought I’d resurrect this for anyone missing those long nights at work when we used to keep ourselves entertained by singing one song to the tune of another or guessing the song when the first line is read in BBC Radio 4 voice. Or this is for anyone who is bored and wants to play an inconsequential game.
Because the first line is always easy… then we tend to la la la the next one! So this is what you have to do for this game:
1. Put your music player on shuffle
2. Write down 30 songs that you come to – but give people a fighting chance! We’re not going to get some obscure B-Side! Believe me, it’s harder than you think!
3. Write down the first line of the song
4. Tag friends and get them to fill in the second line of the song
5. Cross the songs out as they’re completed.